FALLING

And maybe it is not about the material that it is made of. Not even about the color or size.
And maybe it is not about the time of the day. Not even about whether it is sunny or freezing and cold.
And maybe it is not about whether it is Your shirt or Your sweater that makes me feel cozy and warm. And whenever I wear it I can feel clearly the way You are with me. And whenever I wear it I know that I have part of You always with me.

And probably, maybe it is only about You and Your smile.


And maybe I know that soon everything will come to an end: You will go there and I will go There. We will take separate ways and will never meet again.

And maybe it will hurt me. It will hurt me a lot.

But the best way to know is to fall in deeper and deeper each day.

To find someone who builds You Without even knowing Without even grasping it. To find someone who helps You To grow And to grow tall. To find someone. Someone. This is a real joy.

I can feel the summer under my feet. The grass got greener, the sun started shining brighter. The weather. The weather? It turned into "Let's-go-on-a-date" weather. Couples went out holding hands. Stuck to each other. As glued. Holding hands. Whispering nice words. Encouraging each other. But what is the most important... Looking into each other's eyes. 

I had this feeling today of not wanting to go back home. I went for a walk instead, sat down in the park and sketched. There was this couple just in front of me. Oh my! The way they looked into each other. The way he looked at her... As if she was made of something so fragile. As if she was Mona Liza or even more than that.

Even if she was telling him how her day was. What she did. What her friends are planning to do. Just a casual monologue. But his look. This was something incredibly beautiful to see in a person. The way his eyes were shining. He was totally in love. 

Totally in love. 

By this weather. By this "Let's-go-on-a-date" weather.

I never hear what they are saying. 

Even though I am listening to them. To every single word they say. I listen. But... I do not hear their words. I hear only details. I literally investigate them. I could do that for a few hours in a row. I hear the sound of the wind mixed with the movement of their hands while gesticulating. I hear the way that their voice is trembling while saying something that they have been hiding for way too long. I think, while looking straight to their eyes: Oh, wow, I wonder if it is possible to put the color of their eyes onto the paper only with acrylic paints? Am I able to mix all the colors to get the right shade? 

Then I get back to them and their lips.

I wonder, if they just shut up, would that be as much interesting to observe them... And then they shut up. And then they ask to repeat the words they have told. And then they say the same phrase again and again: You are not listening.

And what I do?

I just nod my head. I do not even try to explain with the words; I surely was listening, I was listening to every single movement You made, was counting Your blinks, was observing the change of the color in Your face, I was. I was! But they would not be able to grasp this. If they need me to listen, they'd better lock me in the room and turn off the lights or let me to close my eyes. 

Oh, and then I would hear them. I would hear them in the way that they want to be heard. 

-Do You know why I work? 
-Because You need money?
-No, not at all. 

I work in order not to think. Not to let myself to think of all the possible ways someone could make me disappointed. Now it is 0:05 and I have been working for more than 10 hours already. I am working because I am sad. There I can run. I feel needed, I feel that someone is going to miss me if I am not going to do the work that I have to do. What's more... It is easier than... Than... Anything else.

If I am not working I am thinking. A lot. About the things. And about the people. I am thinking a lot and it scares me. It scares me to think of all these things. I'd rather just work. Keep myself busy.

It is better like that.

It is already a night time.

The moon is tearing apart, sinking into darkness, getting heavy and cold. Stars are pulsing with this timid light and one can not know if it is already time to cry out all those sorrows and pain. Sky is turning into immense dark ocean with sun goodnight-kissed waves. Everyone is sleeping, but one still can not know if it is already the right time. The eyes are looking up and the ocean pours all its salty water to them. Too much of it. One can not hold that much of the ocean and the water starts to burst onto those cheeks, cleaning the soul and burning an entire face. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Madly. Insanely. But one still can not know if it is already the time. The right time.

'I am not beautiful.'-she told.

'What are You saying? How You dare to say  these words? Never again repeat that! You are the most beautiful in the entire world!'-I said.

I thought, honestly, I thought that the people at this age do not really think of those things. Do not think only skin-deep. 

'Do You think she is beautiful?'-I have asked.

'What? Of course she is! I have chosen the most beautiful!'- he answered and looked to her side.

I looked at her, looked at him and unconsciously felt tears accumulating in my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. 

Of course she is. He had chosen the most beautiful one. 

No. He did not love her. Oh no, she did not love him. Everything is simple. Simple as that.
But none of them have ever told that to each other. Until yesterday when he told her: 'you know, the problem is that I do not love you'. 'Do not love you, do not love, you, you, you'- just like an echo crossed her ears. He does not love her. He did not love her.

Everything should have been easy. Easier. Somehow. Now she sits on the couch and tears are rolling through her cheeks. They are burning them. It has been months since she cried. It somehow feels different.
Oh no, she did not love him.
But...
But somehow she got used to be with him. She got used to be surrounded by this calmness. By his calmness. She got used to and this is why it hurts now. It hurts. A little bit too much. It burns. A little bit too damn much.

Even though she smiles, because of her smile the heart is tearing apart. Is splitting in two. Is cracking, bleeding and hurts. So much. Because of this smile it is cold. Like during the winter: without shoes and scarf. It is freezing and she has no idea where she should go, because whenever she goes, she can feel it.

The more I live the more I fall in love with the dogs. They are loyal and they are grateful, but what is the most important is that they never leave You alone. They never hurt You. This is why I feel higher need to take care of a dog rather than a human. And if I can... I would take all of them to my house and feed them, take them for a walk, wash them and play with them...

It is already the evening and I have this almost one-year-old beauty sleeping on her warm furry blanket, near the pillow with Christmas ornaments on the ground. I hear her breathing and understand when she is dreaming. Oh my... How much does she dreams! And then, after every kind of adventure that she was dreaming of, she just gives a deep sigh. It surely fascinates me. This treasure. This amazing, unique, spectacularly smart dog.

This girl! How she does that? How she lights up the room whenever she enters it? It seems that her life is worth-living! You know what? This girl is vulnerable. This girl cries. This girl begs for safety. This girl is the one You must take care of.

Hug her till she is no longer strong. Do it till she opens up her soul with all these wounds.

You have looked at me and asked if everything was fine. Of course I did say that yes, because this is what I was taught. Everything is fine. Everything is great. Yes, I am alright.

Why?

Because at the end of the day nobody really gives a damn about You. Nobody calls You just to make sure if You are healthy. They call if they need something from You: help, advice, response. They are selfish. And what about me? I pretend to be selfish. This is silly, but life, or better say, people have taught me this way. You have to be selfish. Though... Sometimes it is really hard. To pretend that You do not care how others are doing. To pretend that You do not care if they are healthy, happy, enjoying what they do. It is hard. To be this way. To be rude. Really hard.  But You just can not go there and start asking them every single they how do they feel even though You care...

Why?

Because they will start using You. They will not appreciate it. They will take You for granted...

I used to love fondly, deeply and without any borders. I used to believe and have faith in people. I used to trust. These are the main reasons why I am so broke right now. You want to know the truth? Do You? Just look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes till I will not handle it anymore and turn my head to side. Just look me in the eyes and they will say everything. Your doubts. Your dreams. Your wishes. Your sorrows... They will answer to You. Just look me in the eyes.

You know, after spending exactly 5 hours in hospital all alone, getting more x-rays than I got during my entire life, giving blood, being tested, even after crying and waiting for something that took infinity, I realised one thing. At the end, nobody gives a damn about You. Nobody cares if you barely can breathe. If you are exhausted. If you are terrified. Nobody gives a damn. Hunger games? Yes. At the end after asking if it is the right time to go home, you get an answer: 'Wait, it is worse than we thought'. Then you just sit there and realize that this summer You will have to forget travels and adventures, but remember how to take care of Yourself, because at the end nobody will do that for You...

I miss someone honest and real. Someone with whom I could talk, oh, how I wish to talk with someone... Someone to look at me the way I look into the sky full of immense amount of sparkling stars. I miss this feeling. And... What is worse, as I am getting older and older, day by day, I do realise that the bigger killer in this world is loneliness... And You know what? It is bringing me down... I surround myself with people who desperately need help, however, after helping to others, I am left alone with a terrible need of others' help. This is the way it is. And now, when I am laying in my bed for the forth day with high fever and sick as I have never been before, I understand that at the end, what is the most important is family. They are here. Never leaving me. Taking care of me and my body that is getting weaken and weaken, burning little by little like those stars, you know. Those people whom I give most attention- they come and leave, they give me absolutely nothing, they care and always will care more about themselves and only their needs, but the family- this is what is the most important. 

There are people in the world who shine bright. There are people like that. But these people do tend to be alone. Those people, the kindest ones tend to shine alone, tend to be their own heros and fight with their inner dragons. And the light that shines through their eyes is the only prove that they are the real fighters. When you meet one of them you become responsible for their brightness and shine of their eyes. You do become responsible and must appreciate it. Otherwise, you will get burnt and the scars will never heal.

I think of my words. Weightless ones: as feathers and easy to carry anywhere. I think of my words: compact ones and those that fit everywhere. I am sure that nobody else do think of those words. It is even better like that. All these people- let them be like that. All these people that do these things- let them do that. Let them. It is better like that.

So you did so. Without even thinking a lot about it. You did so. I do not blame you, but I would never have done like this. Way too much negativeness to expect from such a creature. And so you did so... Without even thinking about it. And I sit right here, speechless, just breathless. And so you did so... How could you do that?

I have not written here for ages. Have not even thought of writing here. I'd rather re-read everything again and again. Have not even written here anything. But have been thinking of things. A lot. I'd rather just sit and think. Or talk. Talk a lot. But not write. Not answer to all those messages. Just re-read and think. Or dream. Dream big. About the things that I think. I could make a dream list in my head. Long one. With all those fancy words and phrases. But not write it.
Words will destroy its perfection. The perfection of my future dreams' list. I swear the God, I will make it huge, gigantic, just making people think: 'Gosh, how her head has so much space for her dreams!'. I swear the God. I will make the list and will complete it step by step.
Now, when I am alone with all this madness in my head, with all these crazy, dossly, freaking amazing dreams in my head. I will not tell anyone, not even the walls that surround me. No. No. No. Let it be huge secret that only I know. Or let it be little secrets that only I know. Just need to help them to grow in my head: put my head on the pillow and travel somewhere where only my heart knows.

One poet once said: "It's hard to breathe while you are still without any words". Sure she was right. It's hard not only to breathe. It's hard to stand up from all this darkness while you are still without any words. It's freaking hard. Nobody could understand this. But without this kind of darkness you would be unable to see any lightness. To see any light, which is necessary for you like an oxygen, to breathe. I guess, I am going out of the words. Better to stop here, while I still have them.

...

 Why should you, a kind little creature hurt others? Why should you pretend to be better than you are right now? Why should you hurt, lie, pretend? Please, at least, stay honest with yourself. I know who I am and I know who I do not want to be. I understand every action, I make. And I wish I could change. Only a little bit, to be more something better. I know I am not good enough. Not pretty enough, not happy enough, not mature enough, not elegant enough, not brave enough, not smart enough, not "anything" enough... I guess, I am not made to trust others and to trust myself. I can not relay on nobody. I can not let anyone in to my heart. Must lock everything. My minds are my own prison and nobody is able to save me...

Perfect time

I think of the perfect time. I am perfectionist. I always was. I think of the sea, the waves and 100% chocolate. The perfect evening. The stars which are falling down. Funny, because it will never happen. I have never tasted 100% chocolate. I do not live near the sea. I always miss the feeling when the waves are beating your feets. People who live near the sea will never understand this. I want it so much. Right, now. Take all the pain and bring it to the sea.