Memories

I remember my childhood. Like in a fog and not clearly. Some memories are not full, some parts of them are missing. I am about 6 years old. On the bed pillow with colourful butterflies. My mom is sitting near the bed. She is telling me something. I am smiling. The pillow smells Saturdays. That smell I could recognize from thousand kilometres away. The smell of washing powder, the smell of flowers, cleanliness and all the seasons of year. The most wonderful smell that reminds me home. And suddenly mom dissappears. I remember old lady in the hospital. I am little about 3 years old. I am sitting on the bed. She gives me a doll. The most wonderful, spectacular doll. That doll is bigger than me. Suddenly darkness, emptyiness. I am at my grandmother's house. All children are playing chasing game. I run. I fall down. The sandwich, which I was holding in my little hands falls down too. Suddenly I wake up, I am all in the blood. I stand up and walk. I am near my grandmother. Telling her what have happened. I am crying. She takes all medical equipment that she could find in the house. A hole, emptyiness. Like unfinished script for a movie. There are so many parts missing. I can't know.   

White walls

I am sitting on the cold metal chair. On the wall there is a clock. It is 10:57. Suddenly the shouting is just so scary. Door opens. From the room comes a child: young, about 3 years old, with red eyes from the tears, blonde hair and face of exhausted and frustrated boy; his tears are swimming on his little cheeks. Terrible. Now it is my turn. I go to the room. They ask me if I have any metal things with me, if I have any bracelets, earrings, piercings, they ask me my birth date. They put on me heavy metal thing and say do not move. The machine starts to move. I am waiting... I close the doors. On the metal and cold chair sits the same kid. He is without any emotions. His eyes look dead. He sits, but as dead. Emotionally dead. Suddenly he looks like woke up from the dream, even though he was not sleeping. He starts to scream and shout. I am looking at him. The most terrible view I have ever seen. That little kid strugles with his emotions... What a terrible view. That little kid just looks with that eyes and my heart is just bleeding...

The real purpose of the heart

From early age I was thought that human's heart shape is equal to long circle. The heart is a muscle who makes 8000 litres of blood everyday. Heart has got two sides, in those two sides it makes some moves in every 4/5 second that blood could go in the right places. The heart is a muscle, so it's impossible to feel the pain in it. But I have never really believed it. They all were wrong. Terribly wrong. And everytime I feel the pain in my heart I am sure that I was learnt wrong. You know that feeling when you want to breath very deeply? You start to breathe deeper and deeper and suddenly you feel pain in your heart and you have to stop doing it... Or when you just feel so sad that it looks that someone is pulling into your heart the knife. Or when you expect from someone something and they just betray you... You feel dissapointed, your heart is just bleeding. In those moments I am sure that I was thought wrong. In those moments I think about every pain in my heart, which I felt during all my life and I also think of those who felt more pain than me. I think of those who had a heart attack. I can't even imagine what kind of pain they have felt... First their left arm start to get colder and colder, later it starts to melt inside; then head starts to ache with the pain that can not be described in any of the word, but if someone would write those words to explain the pain... It probably would burn this paper sheet. After that they finally feel the heart ache... The most terrible, most frustrating, exhausting, making them shout or scream and at the end of all those pains they finally feel how they are out of the oxygen, how they can not breath, nor shout, nor scream... In those moments when I think of it, I understand that I was wrong all my life...