No. He did not love her. Oh no, she did not love him. Everything is simple. Simple as that.
But none of them have ever told that to each other. Until yesterday when he told her: 'you know, the problem is that I do not love you'. 'Do not love you, do not love, you, you, you'- just like an echo crossed her ears. He does not love her. He did not love her.

Everything should have been easy. Easier. Somehow. Now she sits on the couch and tears are rolling through her cheeks. They are burning them. It has been months since she cried. It somehow feels different.
Oh no, she did not love him.
But...
But somehow she got used to be with him. She got used to be surrounded by this calmness. By his calmness. She got used to and this is why it hurts now. It hurts. A little bit too much. It burns. A little bit too damn much.

Even though she smiles, because of her smile the heart is tearing apart. Is splitting in two. Is cracking, bleeding and hurts. So much. Because of this smile it is cold. Like during the winter: without shoes and scarf. It is freezing and she has no idea where she should go, because whenever she goes, she can feel it.

The more I live the more I fall in love with the dogs. They are loyal and they are grateful, but what is the most important is that they never leave You alone. They never hurt You. This is why I feel higher need to take care of a dog rather than a human. And if I can... I would take all of them to my house and feed them, take them for a walk, wash them and play with them...

It is already the evening and I have this almost one-year-old beauty sleeping on her warm furry blanket, near the pillow with Christmas ornaments on the ground. I hear her breathing and understand when she is dreaming. Oh my... How much does she dreams! And then, after every kind of adventure that she was dreaming of, she just gives a deep sigh. It surely fascinates me. This treasure. This amazing, unique, spectacularly smart dog.

This girl! How she does that? How she lights up the room whenever she enters it? It seems that her life is worth-living! You know what? This girl is vulnerable. This girl cries. This girl begs for safety. This girl is the one You must take care of.

Hug her till she is no longer strong. Do it till she opens up her soul with all these wounds.

You have looked at me and asked if everything was fine. Of course I did say that yes, because this is what I was taught. Everything is fine. Everything is great. Yes, I am alright.

Why?

Because at the end of the day nobody really gives a damn about You. Nobody calls You just to make sure if You are healthy. They call if they need something from You: help, advice, response. They are selfish. And what about me? I pretend to be selfish. This is silly, but life, or better say, people have taught me this way. You have to be selfish. Though... Sometimes it is really hard. To pretend that You do not care how others are doing. To pretend that You do not care if they are healthy, happy, enjoying what they do. It is hard. To be this way. To be rude. Really hard.  But You just can not go there and start asking them every single they how do they feel even though You care...

Why?

Because they will start using You. They will not appreciate it. They will take You for granted...

I used to love fondly, deeply and without any borders. I used to believe and have faith in people. I used to trust. These are the main reasons why I am so broke right now. You want to know the truth? Do You? Just look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes till I will not handle it anymore and turn my head to side. Just look me in the eyes and they will say everything. Your doubts. Your dreams. Your wishes. Your sorrows... They will answer to You. Just look me in the eyes.

You know, after spending exactly 5 hours in hospital all alone, getting more x-rays than I got during my entire life, giving blood, being tested, even after crying and waiting for something that took infinity, I realised one thing. At the end, nobody gives a damn about You. Nobody cares if you barely can breathe. If you are exhausted. If you are terrified. Nobody gives a damn. Hunger games? Yes. At the end after asking if it is the right time to go home, you get an answer: 'Wait, it is worse than we thought'. Then you just sit there and realize that this summer You will have to forget travels and adventures, but remember how to take care of Yourself, because at the end nobody will do that for You...

I miss someone honest and real. Someone with whom I could talk, oh, how I wish to talk with someone... Someone to look at me the way I look into the sky full of immense amount of sparkling stars. I miss this feeling. And... What is worse, as I am getting older and older, day by day, I do realise that the bigger killer in this world is loneliness... And You know what? It is bringing me down... I surround myself with people who desperately need help, however, after helping to others, I am left alone with a terrible need of others' help. This is the way it is. And now, when I am laying in my bed for the forth day with high fever and sick as I have never been before, I understand that at the end, what is the most important is family. They are here. Never leaving me. Taking care of me and my body that is getting weaken and weaken, burning little by little like those stars, you know. Those people whom I give most attention- they come and leave, they give me absolutely nothing, they care and always will care more about themselves and only their needs, but the family- this is what is the most important.